Many healers works with terminally ill patients and with the loved ones of those patients. Both can benefit from the effects of the healing energies in different ways, but they can both experience a sense of calm and clarity from healing that helps them to accept the situation.
For the patient, this is important in allowing them to be at peace during the last days, weeks or months of their illness to ease their passing, or death as many people prefer to call it.
Grief in stages
We know that everyone goes through many stages of grief and these are not necessarily experienced only once or in a specific order; everyone is different, so whatever we feel or do is natural for us as individuals. It is important that we allow ourselves time to go through these stages without thinking that we should be feeling something different. Grief takes varying periods of time for every individual.
Initially, we are in shock at our loss so we feel a numbness in the first few days; we go about the business of life in a sort of daze. A little later we can feel a sense of restlessness as we pine for the person we have lost. We become aware of the ‘hole’ that has been left in our life and try to make sense of what has happened.
Although it may seem surprising, we can feel anger at our loved one for leaving us so abruptly, even if they have been ill for some time. We feel unreasonably abandoned and marooned in a sea of despair that seems to be overwhelming.
Guilt will often follow and this can be the result of our anger because we realise our loved one did not have a choice and that death is out of our control. If we’ve had a poor relationship, this can also trigger feelings of guilt. Equally, if we’ve had a very good relationship and we feel there was something we didn’t do at the end of their lives or something we said or did that we felt was thoughtless, we can feel a sense of guilt. Often these issues are very small and unimportant but they can grow to epic proportions for us in our grief; we have no choice but to take them seriously at the time.
At some point, we may feel relief that our loved one has passed over, especially if they’ve been ill for some time, and this gives way to feelings of sadness and reflection when we can spend a lot of time just sitting and thinking. This can often be a cause of concern for our circle of family and friends but it does resolve itself in time.
Letting go of our loved ones
The quality of a person’s life immediately before they pass over is a vital factor in the way their loved ones cope with their loss. Modern drugs allow most people to experience no pain at the end of their lives so there are few passings where the patient is in extreme anguish.
The greater anxiety and guilt can be caused by the emotional aspects of passing over. In some cases, there has been a rift or ongoing disagreement between them and it is important that an understanding is reached before the passing. This can be as radical as an acceptance of the part each has played in the disagreement and forgiveness on both sides, which is of course the best outcome.
However, this is not always possible because each may believe they are ‘in the right’. If we can do no more than agree to differ and forgive the deed instead of relating it in a personal way to each other, this can make a great difference to the feelings of loved ones in the weeks and months after the passing.
We all view every situation in a slightly or radically different way. We all have a selective memory, whether we like to admit it or not. Accepting these two facts can help us in agreeing to forgive the deed and remembering our love for each other. It can bring great peace to all those involved and allow them to ‘part’ in love, remembering all the good things about one another.
But sometimes neither side can bring themselves even to contemplate forgiveness; the hurt and resentment is so deeply felt that one or both sides resist any attempts at reconciliation. This is when our grief after someone’s passing can be almost overwhelming because we can feel anger and guilt that we did not achieve an amicable ending of the relationship.
It is not too late to bring about a reconciliation through love and forgiveness even after our loved one has passed over. Even if you have no belief in an afterlife, you can still make your peace. It is a process of ‘letting go’ of the person with whom you have experienced such a difficult relationship.
If we sit quietly when we will not be disturbed, and think about the situation that caused the rift between us and our loved one trying to maintain a detached view, we can clarify what we really feel. We can acknowledge our feelings which can be guilt, anger, resentment, disappointment or any other emotion. If we are to forgive anyone else for anything we first have to forgive ourselves and know that, at the time, we did the best with the knowledge, wisdom and experience we had. We know we can do no more than this in any situation and that once we understand this we can let go of the emotions that have been arising in us.
Having reached a point of understanding regarding ourselves, we can bring a picture of our loved one to mind or look at a photograph of them and send them our thoughts of love and forgiveness, knowing that they too were doing the best with the knowledge, wisdom and experience they had at the time.
We may have to do this several times before we finally release our negative feelings towards ourselves and our loved one but each time we do it, it should become easier to detach ourselves from our feelings and see the situation for what it was – an opportunity to experiment and learn.
Describing it here may make it seem as if it is an easy process but this is not necessarily the case. It requires a commitment on our part to allowing ourselves to let go of our emotions and to forgive. Whilst we may not start out with this commitment, hopefully by persevering and repeating this exercise, we will achieve a willingness to resolve the situation.
Letting go of our loved ones
The quality of a person’s life immediately before they pass over is a vital factor in the way their loved ones cope with their loss. Modern drugs allow most people to experience no pain at the end of their lives so there are few passings where the patient is in extreme anguish.
The greater anxiety and guilt can be caused by the emotional aspects of passing over. In some cases, there has been a rift or ongoing disagreement between them and it is important that an understanding is reached before the passing. This can be as radical as an acceptance of the part each has played in the disagreement and forgiveness on both sides, which is of course the best outcome.
However, this is not always possible because each may believe they are ‘in the right’. If we can do no more than agree to differ and forgive the deed instead of relating it in a personal way to each other, this can make a great difference to the feelings of loved ones in the weeks and months after the passing.
We all view every situation in a slightly or radically different way. We all have a selective memory, whether we like to admit it or not. Accepting these two facts can help us in agreeing to forgive the deed and remembering our love for each other. It can bring great peace to all those involved and allow them to ‘part’ in love, remembering all the good things about one another.
But sometimes neither side can bring themselves even to contemplate forgiveness; the hurt and resentment is so deeply felt that one or both sides resist any attempts at reconciliation. This is when our grief after someone’s passing can be almost overwhelming because we can feel anger and guilt that we did not achieve an amicable ending of the relationship.
It is not too late to bring about a reconciliation through love and forgiveness even after our loved one has passed over. Even if you have no belief in an afterlife, you can still make your peace. It is a process of ‘letting go’ of the person with whom you have experienced such a difficult relationship.
If we sit quietly when we will not be disturbed, and think about the situation that caused the rift between us and our loved one trying to maintain a detached view, we can clarify what we really feel. We can acknowledge our feelings which can be guilt, anger, resentment, disappointment or any other emotion. If we are to forgive anyone else for anything we first have to forgive ourselves and know that, at the time, we did the best with the knowledge, wisdom and experience we had. We know we can do no more than this in any situation and that once we understand this we can let go of the emotions that have been arising in us.
Having reached a point of understanding regarding ourselves, we can bring a picture of our loved one to mind or look at a photograph of them and send them our thoughts of love and forgiveness, knowing that they too were doing the best with the knowledge, wisdom and experience they had at the time.
We may have to do this several times before we finally release our negative feelings towards ourselves and our loved one but each time we do it, it should become easier to detach ourselves from our feelings and see the situation for what it was – an opportunity to experiment and learn.
Describing it here may make it seem as if it is an easy process but this is not necessarily the case. It requires a commitment on our part to allowing ourselves to let go of our emotions and to forgive. Whilst we may not start out with this commitment, hopefully by persevering and repeating this exercise, we will achieve a willingness to resolve the situation.
Different types of loss
Up to now, we have referred primarily to the loss of a family member or close friend. But we can also grieve for the loss of others, such as work colleagues, children other than our own if we’ve had close contact with them and pets who, for many people, can be as close as family, and other souls who have touched our lives – even, in some cases, those who are famous and whom we’ve never met. We can also grieve for the loss of anything else in our lives, for example, a job or career, an activity that we are no longer able to participate in, a car, a partner in a divorce, our children if we have to live apart from them, permanently or temporarily, or simply a routine if we have changed our lives in some way.
Talking it through
Whether we are grieving for another soul, a set of circumstances or an object, we often feel a need to talk about it and this, again, is another healthy way of dealing with grief. Keeping our feelings inside can lead to physical and emotional imbalances that can be difficult to resolve.
When we lose a loved one, there are organizations in the UK that offer bereavement counselling, like CRUSE and there are websites like this one that offer advice and information; and counselling can be provided through the NHS. Counselling is a good route for those who would prefer to talk to professional counsellors with whom they have no prior relationship. It can be easier to talk to a stranger than to those in our own circle.
But we can also be surprised to find a member of our family or friends who is good at listening compassionately to our remembrances of those we have lost and to join with us in celebrating their life. Some people surprise themselves by their ability to help their family and friends to come to terms with their loss. However we make it happen, allowing ourselves to talk about our loss is a good way to heal our grief.
Healthy grieving
Grieving is a normal and healthy part of our lives and by accepting this, we are able to let go of those other souls, situations and feelings that hold us back from living our lives fully. During a grieving process, it may seem as if we stand still in our lives temporarily and, in a sense, that’s exactly what we do. We move outside of our everyday lives to give us a breathing space. But we are still progressing because we learn from our grief, if we allow ourselves to take something positive away from the experience.
By seeking healing during our bereavement, we can often open ourselves up to allowing this release and continuing on our journey through this lifetime in a creative way.
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